Swell, all as well

I guess to sum up how i feel about my life at this exact moment...

empty and vast

I have lived so many years and still so few

and have done nothing

have lived nothing

i have no one to blame but myself

i shut my eyes

seal my own lips and tie my hands

even if i were to make the jump

i'd be too blind to see the view along my descent

muted, so i could not call attention to the flight

and probably drown upon impact due to my own self crippling

its pathetic really

i feel so

defeated and loss

without a purpose

sour on the inside

lost and deprived

where did my purpose go?

why does everything feel so inadequate now?

why do i feel like every decision in an attempt to make myself happy

feel like the wrong one?

why am i afraid of making decisions?

why do i yearn for situations when control is taken from me

why is it easier to go somewhere with a friend completely benign of where

but can't keep a commitment?

its not fair

im fighting myself

on an uneven playing field no less

Written in '06

~grandmas garden~

Grandma had a garden, 
that she loved to tend

Grandma had a secret,
you wouldn’t know until the end

Grandma planted seeds in that garden
And roses, a luscious red

Grandma planted things in the garden.
Things from the nightmares you dread.

Grandma had a Victorian styled house
Painted cerulean blue

Grandma had a secret
Only her victims knew

Nobody sees the elderly
That boards in the solemn place

It may almost seem
That they have been erased

Grandma oh grandma
You have such impeccable taste

You live as royalty
Even fixing your face

Bury the evidence
Quick now make haste

The stench bleeds out
peculiar for a garden

They’re too fraid to tell
It is your heart that’s been hardened

Support yourself and your aristocratic ways
With the money you’re getting paid

They no longer need it
Death is funny that way

It’s easier to care for them
When they have been buried

You hide their bones in your garden
But you’re not worried

No one will catch you
Your just too kind

And no one knows
What really goes through your mind

Kill off your patients
Those left to you for care

Kill them off for their liability checks
Because you hate to share

Grandma has a garden
That she loves to tend

She plants bodies and blood in that garden
Its the garden for the dead….

Dorothy Puentes...

look it up:

http://www.crimelibrary.com/notorious_murders/women/puente/1
.html

Anti-Climatic Conclusion

f you give a man a fish
you feed him for day

if you teach a man to fish
you feed him for life

but if you teach a man to fish
in a desert....where the only pond for miles is strictly controlled by a totalitarian force, whether the government or guerrilla forces, and the population exceeds the amount of fish in the pond....

whos going to fucking eat?

im unsatisfied with how the UN usually handles 3rd world countries that seek relief
no one really cares anymore

its all about money
how much did you spend today?
just goin on in your daily routine?

amazing in some countries that amount could feed a family for a week (depends maybe even months for those who spend a little more then the rest of us)
and yet...everwhere people are still dying

babies still die of diarrhea...because their mothers cant afford medicine
how is that possible?
in this day and age

where pepto bismol is a over the counter common household item for us

A H/S Junior's opinion

So I have come to terms that we live in a society based around the principles of primal stupidies

Sex violence and a quick high to open the senses to the possibility of other worlds in which we attempt to make ourselves more then what is perceived

Alcoholism runs rampant within the isolated realms of a silent youth struggling with its own buried angst

Expression has been muted with a seemingly picture perfect world that does not expand past our legal jurisdictions blanketing what lies behind our own locked doors

A crime is punished only if the doer could afford no other such means of survival while the privileged are sent free to rape neighborhoods of equality in a race run in a false democracy

My own gender fails me falling into the crippling stereotypes of our own making

We have preordained ourselves to never become larger then life when we wish to be slimmer then the neck of the bottle from which we drown our own voice to please an always observant but blind crowd

My own voice is lost behind a veil of perception

I observe the world and all its evils but do not speak against sins that which shape us

And in return break us

Old Thoughts, New Setting

i hate how psychosis' often contradict and cancel each other out

if you were to look up some symptoms of depression you would find

a looong and almost universal set of symptoms

one of which is trouble sleeping/insomnia
depression hinders the bodies ability to maintain a regular sleeping pattern

so insomnia is a symptom of depression
if ur depressed u will have trouble sleeping

yet depression is a symptom of insomnia
if you dont sleep you will become depressed due to the lack of the proper amount of endorphins being produced and the body will become fatigued blah blah blah

but then again another sign of depression is excessive sleeping
such as someone who may be suffering from depression will take excessive naps

8/

i think this medical field has become manipulated to further inoculate humanity from the disease of constructive thought
ha

the majority of psychology is based on opinion

i mean, just because freud had mother issues....


i mean the profession in itself is really
a good one

a very respectable one
i mean i think its amazing

people who wld dedicate their lives to actually helping people

but psychiatrists ...idk

and then psychologists who simply get into the field for the pay...ugh

i guess im annoyed with the over generalization of many disorders
maybe people dont have disorders
but just a seperate way of thinking or functioning

but then again....

theirs always the richard ramirez' john wayne gacy and ted bundies out their in the world

but....u cant really fix sociopath can you?

you cant really fix ....anything mental....not completely

if your born schitzo...ur probly going to stay that way
son of sam supposedly gained mental stability when he found god in prison

ok...so instead of a talking dog telling him to kill 
he had an intangible all powerful being telling him to repent

....he found god
but...in his head?

or was it real

this is why i decided not to become a psychology major
im a good listener
and i usually get an idea why people act the way they do

but i wld never know how to deal with that

and like me and trina were saying

if i had a patient that was consistent and obdurate in wallowing in their issues
i wld probly just tell them to go off themselves if their so dead set on it ( no pun intended)

i just lack patience
theirs so many problems in the world
i could never take one persons issues too seriously

i dont even take my own problems seriously
i'd rather laugh at them
i'd rather smile then cry over something

i wld probly laugh at a patient who told me their problems
i'd have to really care about someone to put a real effort in helping them after they've pushed my patience

the only way i wld ever be able to help a patient wld be to shut off my emotions
which i can do...

but then....i'll just be the stereotypical psychologist

who doesnt really care
and just hands out diagnoses'